Keep All Limbs Inside the Vehicle At All Times
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Jazz takes an unfortunate car thief on a homicidal joyride.


This idea occured to me last night. Enjoy. =P

P.S. I've got a pole up in my profile. I'd appreciate it if you'd vote, considering I'm not going to leave it up much longer. Thanks.

_EDIT: Holy...freaking...crap, you guys...This is my most popular story. D8_

_As of now: 54 reviews (second place is 43, and it's for a chaptered story), 1,886 hits (there's only one other one-shot that has more hits and it's only by a little bit and is likely because it's been up longer...this one will surpass that one soon, I'm sure), and 122 favorites (my second most favorited story only has **51 **favorites, so you can see how this is a big deal)._

_Have I ever told you guys how awesome you are? =D_

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Jazz felt someone trying to force open his passenger side door. Pissed off that his nap had been interrupted by someone who could potentially damage his door, he flung it open, allowing it to whack whoever was standing there. He was about to close it again when he had an idea… Why not have a little bit of fun with this guy? Nothing interesting had been happening since that coward, Starscream, had fled into space, anyway.

The guy trying to break in had been sandwiched between Jazz's door and a street lamp. He pushed the door away and looked at Jazz with confusion. He then shrugged it off and climbed into the passenger side. While he wasn't paying attention, Jazz turned on his holoform. The man shut the door and looked over, jumping when he realized that someone else was in the car, considering that he could have sworn it was empty a moment ago.

"Hi! My…name…is…Jazz! What's…yours?" Jazz asked very slowly. "Do…you…understand…me?"

"Why are you talking to me like that?" the man asked in an irritated tone.

"Well, you got in the wrong car, so I thought you were mentally slow or something," Jazz answered.

"There's a reason I got in the wrong car, dumb ass! Now get out!" he snapped.

"Why?" Jazz inquired.

"Because I said so!" he responded.

"Why?" Jazz inquired again.

"Just do it!"

"Why?"

"Stop saying why!"

"Why?"

"Because if you don't stop, I'll freaking shoot you!"

Jazz was silent for about a minute or two. Then… "Why?" The man suddenly pulled a .45 on him. "Ooh… Shiny!" he said, unconcerned about the gun (Why should he be? It couldn't actually hurt him).

The carjacker nearly slammed his face on the dashboard in frustration. "Just get out!!"

If this guy was really gonna shoot him, he probably would have done it already. He seemed like too much of a coward to actually do it. It didn't matter if he was gonna do it anyway, considering it wouldn't hurt him. So, he continued to test him. "But I like it here! The seats are so soft and cushy!" he replied, bouncing up and down on the seat.

The carjacker had to quickly change his tactic. "Alright then… You drive! Take me to…"

"Okie dokie!" Jazz interrupted, flooring the pedal and smashing into the Cadillac behind him, sandwiching it between himself and a Porsche. He was made of a stronger material and got out undamaged, but he felt sorry for whoever owned the Cadillac. "Whoopsie! I left it in reverse! Forward we go!" The carjacker had been slammed against the dashboard from the force. He was jolted back against his seat as Jazz sped out of the parking space. "Wow, I hope we don't get pulled over! I had my license revoked two months ago!" he said as they merged into traffic at 60mph.

"Watch out for that minivan!!" the carjacker panicked.

"Hey look, a train's coming! I bet we can beat it!" Jazz pointed out before going faster towards the tracks. They made it across right before the train hit them.

The carjacker quickly put on his seatbelt when Jazz nearly collided with a bus. "Where'd you learn to drive?! Grand Theft Auto?!"

"Burnout 2, actually," he replied. "You know what this ride needs? Some music… Take the wheel!" Jazz leaned over and dug through the glove compartment before the carjacker had time to react. The carjacker screamed and quickly grabbed the wheel.

"What are you, insane?!" he demanded.

"Aha! Here it is!" Jazz pulled a CD out of the glove compartment and sat back up in his seat. He stuck it in his CD player and cranked up the volume. There was something unsettling in the way he'd chosen "Click Click Boom" by Saliva. "Hey look! There's my buddy, Sam!" Jazz lowered the window and hung out so far, he was practically sitting on the door. "HI SAM!!! WHAT UP?!!!" he waved. Sam watched him with confusion, a certain yellow Camaro parked behind him no doubt wondering what he was doing as well.

"Are you out of your mind?!" the carjacker panicked, pulling him back in.

"He's such a nice boy," Jazz replied, ignoring him. His cell phone rang. He quickly answered it. "Yo, Bee! Where you at?" He seemed to stop paying attention to where he was going while he was on the phone and swerved all over the road. "Oh, nothing, I just wanted to say hi. What do you mean it was unnecessary to hang out the window? Yeah? Well, screw you!" He quickly hung up the phone. He looked over at the carjacker. "Ooh, do you wanna see my pictures from Sea World?" He shoved the phone in his face. "Look! Here's me and my friend Bee with the dolphins!" He switched the picture and nearly rammed into a convertible. "Here's Bee getting his ass handed to him by a whale…and here's our picture from the System of a Down concert, where we were sneaking backstage…and here's…oh…damn…forget about that one…"

"Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!" the carjacker screamed.

"Let me just put my phone away… Take the wheel!"

Before the carjacker could respond, he leaned over and put his phone back in the glove compartment. After letting out a rather feminine screech, the carjacker lunged for the wheel. Jazz soon returned with a PSP.

"Hey, I forgot this was in there!" Jazz said, taking the wheel back. He continued to play God of War while he steered the car.

The carjacker suddenly noticed something wonderful: a cop! The cop would save him from this crazy guy! Jazz noticed the cop as well. After sending Barricade a quick message, he proceeded to plow right into his bumper.

"What the hell…?!" the carjacker screamed, shaking violently in his seat.

"Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O's!" Jazz said humorously.

Barricade's angry holoform slowly stepped out of the driver's side and glared at him. The carjacker quickly got out and ran for cover behind Barricade. Jazz just smiled and waved.

"Officer! Officer! Please arrest me! Just get me away from that insane person!" the carjacker begged.

"Why? What did you do wrong?" Barricade asked with hidden sarcasm.

"I tried to steal his car! Arrest me! Or shoot me, that works too!"

"Alright, then…" The carjacker missed Barricade's malicious smile while he "arrested" him. He noticeably relaxed against the backseat once he was safely inside the Mustang. Barricade took a moment to curse out Jazz about his bumper damage before getting in the front seat. He glanced back at the carjacker and handed him a half-drunk can of beer. "Can you hold this for me while I drive? Don't worry if you accidentally spill it… I've got five more…"

_And the moral of this story is: Don't jack a car with a jacked-up sense of humor._


End file.
